Get all 5 Amy Vorpahl releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Behold Her Dreams, Karaoke Songs in the Key of D&D, Various Singles, Songs from Foreververse, and Songs in the Key of D&D.
1. |
Barky's Brigade
00:35
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I always wished I had a family and now I do!
Barky’s Brigade is here for me -- We’re here for you!
Now I’ll list the names of folks who make up our crew:
It's Donavan, Atuska, Asher, Udo, and me too!
Oh Barky’s Brigade! Barky’s Brigade!
Arky Barky Flarky Starky Barky’s Brigade
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2. |
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OK guys let’s go shut up come on ok it’s time to start
Now who needs a pencil? Everyone? Fine, here you go!
You should have leveled up your characters--how come you didn’t?
Do you even want to go on this adventure or no?
CHORUS:
The DM’s lament! The Dungeon Master’s affliction!
Resigned to the fate that I’m my friends’ referee
And their chaperone and mother! No, I didn’t ask for this!
But who else will take care of these adult babies?
Are we ready? Not quite yet, come on you guys that dick joke
Wasn’t all that funny, no you don’t need. more. pizz----a
Don’t look over at my notes, now why are people standing?
I don’t think you understand I’ve worked on this for weeks!
{CHORUS}
The players are the most important part of my games
It’s more fun when they go their own way
Usually I’m down to roll with the punches
But today is not that day
(spoken) It’s like… you guys all have each other and I just have
The DM’s lament! The Dungeon Master’s affliction!
Resigned to the fate that I’m my friends’ referee
(spoken) let’s do this
You’re at the bottom of the dungeon--where the hell is Randy?
I built all the encounters for a party of five
No, you cannot roll for sex--is anybody listening?
Fuck it, a tarrasque shows up, and everybody dies
(spoken) That’s right! You’re dead and you’re dead! You’re all dead! Oh yeah, especially you, Randy. You’re definitely dead! … Roll a level one...
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3. |
I Kill Dragons
04:33
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At my job interview, in the waiting room, I see it’s a little bit crowded
A bit of a wait, and she calls my name, I go in feeling good about it
She smiles and sets my CV aside, Says, “I’d rather hear more about you.
Thanks for coming today, nice resume, But besides all this, what do you do?”
This is the question I’ve waited to answer, My whole life and today’s the day
I take a breath, put my foot on her desk
And I say...
CHORUS:
I kill dragons! I kill dragons!
I kill dragons, you don’t believe me; it’s true
I slip on my armor, I go out and fight
I slay all the monsters, I protect the night
I kill dragons! I kill dragons! That’s what I do.
Knowing I crushed it--I’m awesome, I must have--I head to the bar for a date
He’s cute and he’s nerdy, and I’m feeling flirty, And fashionably late
He buys me a beer, and gets right to the point, Says, “I’m looking for someone
Whose time I can spend, who can hang with my friends, So what do you do for fun?”
Hahaha, I laugh to myself, He has no idea what he’s asked
I wink at bae, and tell him to raise...
His glass. 'Cause
{CHORUS}
What do I say when they ask me if this is real
Or if this is all in my head?
I know this is truer than anything I feel
And last time I checked, that dragon was dead!
That’s why the people who I am friends with, Are also friends with me
There’s never a fight on Saturday night--We agree...
Let’s kill dragons! Let’s kill dragons!
Let’s kill dragons, until we outrun the sun
Let’s slip on our armor, go out and fight
Let’s slay all the monsters, Let’s protect the night
Let’s kill dragons! Let’s kill dragons! All are welcome!
Let’s kill dragons! All of you are welcome!
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4. |
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Hey Mr. Tarrasque, look over there
All of my cats kitty-pulted in air
Now they’re coming down with their family bond
Made stronger by love, to form Cat-Tron
CHORUS:
It’s the battle of Tarrasque versus Cat-Tron
A battle for the ages
T-T-Tarrasque versus Cat-Tron
They’ll melt your f-ing faces!
The Tarrasque stood tall though he soiled his pants
And he gave the cultists the death they asked
To our Holy Cat-tron, we looked like ants
But we all did our part to take down the Tarrasque
Donovan, Arqe and Tygur engaged
In effective but ill-advised melee
Dayl sneak-attacked, Udo rained meteors
But what Asher did, we’re all still not sure
{CHORUS}
Five cats made up its head
And eight cats made up its body
And four cats made up its sword
And two cats made up its tail
And one cat made up its anger
And the last cat gave her a mighty roar
{CHORUS}
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5. |
I'm Coming (Into My Own)
04:15
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I used to be someone no one wanted along
Cause my spells went south and my sword felt wrong
In my hands, and I thought I was not meant to be
Here, I should be somewhere else chasing a different destiny
But I was part of the brigade so I swore to myself
That I wouldn’t be just someone they’d have to split their wealth
With, and I buckled down and I murdered some gnomes
And my point is, folks, now, I’m coming into my own…
Yeah!
CHORUS:
I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming!
This is me! And this is me coming!
I’m coming! You might have seen me coming
Into my own. I’m coming into my own! I’m coming into my own
So I traded that sword for a foolhardy whip
Which allowed me to put up with exactly zero shit
And my enemies saw I was raising the bar
But I might’ve taken it... a bit too far
But I apologize to no one, I’ve got something to prove
To make up for the damage that I didn’t do
In those battles when they’d say, you’re drunk, go home
Yeah before I was coming... into my own… Oh!
{CHORUS}
And I will relish in this glory, while I’m feared by enemies and friends
Cause it all could be over so shortly. My success could be my end
And they might still send me home
But for now, I want to come… Into my own
... I’m coming!
This is me! And this is me coming!
I’m coming! You might have seen me coming
Into my own. I’m coming into---
I’m coming! I’m coming really hard
I’m coming, I’m coming really far
I’m coming! Just look at me coming
I’m coming, And I think you are coming, too
We’re coming together
We’re coming! We’re coming forever
We’re coming! You all helped me come…
Into my own. I’m coming into my own!
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6. |
Ode to Fartunia
03:32
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I love the little way your pock-marks are so not small
That my fingers can fit inside them like a bowling ball
And I love the little way you mop up your head
How can a normal amount of pores produce so much sweat?
You’re fascinating me every day
There’s no other woman like you, and I love your little ways
La la la la la la la la
I love the little way I can smell you before you come in
Like a turd drove by some corpses, and then stepped in something
I love the little way your neck has eaten your chin
And how your knees are in danger of disappearing
You’re intoxicating me, in every way
People turn their heads from you, but I love your little ways
La la la la la la la la
CHORUS:
Some people think you should hide from the light
But I think it’s nice, not to be seen
As the ugliest person
‘Cause an uglier person, now stands next to me
And that’s you. My Fartuuuuuunia.
I love the little way your voice comes out your nose
And how your body doesn’t fit into clothes
I love the little way the drool spreads on your chest
And your incessant eye twitch lets me know that I am blessed
I love you, My Fartunia, I’ll follow you to the grave
Because you make me less heinous, with all your little ways
La la la la la la la la
{CHORUS}
Yeah that’s you. My Fartuuuuuunia. (x2)
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7. |
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Late in the evening, the fire died down
I gasped as I woke with a start
I found her and the warmth of the last burning embers
and told her what troubled my heart.
What are the worst of the terrible things?
I asked as I crumpled my brow
She drew in a long, cold and trembling breath
I’ll tell you what she told me now:
CHORUS:
There are seas that can swallow whole cities, my dear
Unnatural cracks in the earth
Demons who dress up as men who think
Everything’s theirs by birth
But those aren’t the worst of the terrible things
She said as my eyes went wide
No the worst of the terrible things in the world
Is watching your character die
Your wizard cast lightning while you were still crossing
A shallow but treacherous brook
You spoke words imprinted upon a stone coffin
Without first consulting your book
Perhaps you fell into a pit full of spikes
Your rogue didn’t find all the traps
Or maybe your game master’s taking revenge
For when you insulted her maps
You won’t see it coming, the pain or the grief
There’s no way to plan ahead
For when your GM takes your character sheet
And says, “I’m sorry you’re dead”
Take heed of the worst of the terrible things
She said as my eyes went wide
For the worst of the terrible things in the world
Is watching your character die
BRIDGE:
You’ll question decisions; you’ll question your life
“Should I have played a fighter instead?”
What good is pizza? I’m no longer hungry
Are thoughts that will enter your head
She stared at the fire, the silence engulfed us
Until I stood and walked past her
And laid down to dream of the gifts I’d bestow
Upon my game master
{CHORUS}
The worst of the terrible things in the world
Is watching your character die!
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8. |
My Own Kingdom
02:56
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I’m gonna build my own kingdom
Since I don’t fit in with yours
All my windows will be open
Every heart and all the doors
I’m gonna build my own kingdom
I know you’ll be there when it falls
But while I’m building my own kingdom
You won’t be there at all
I’m gonna build my own kingdom
And I’m scared to do it so
I’ve got lots of folks around me
Ones I love, ones I know
I’m gonna build my own kingdom
And though it may fall
While I’m building my own kingdom
I can’t be scared at all
No worries, my friends
We’ll be together in the end
And when the sun comes up each day
I know that you aren’t far away
I’m gonna build my own kingdom
It’ll be bigger than yours
Because everyone is welcome
We won’t have any doors
I’m gonna build my own kingdom
I know you would love to see it fall
But while I’m building my own kingdom
It’ll be just me, and my family
And you won’t be there at all
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9. |
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Yo is that a card game, people wanna know
They got kids who play pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh
Those games don’t cut it, I ain’t trying to be cold
But when it comes to fun, that ain’t what I get up fo’
Not gonna let you finish, take a minute, set you straight
So the next conversation you sound like you got some brains
We ain’t a bunch of losers in a basement, mmk? (mmk)
Dungeons and Dragons ‘more a party than a game
Stay right there lemme answer your questions
I’ll clear up all your misconceptions X2
You don’t dress up to play D&D
You don’t dress up to play D&D
You don’t dress up to play D&D
Unless you want to… like me X2
D to the U to the N geon - S
A to the N to the D
D to the R to the A GON - S
D to the and to the D
Magic the Gathering is what you’re thinking of ain’t ya
It’s cool but requires too much deck maintenance
D&D doesn’t need any extra training
We use a little thing called imagination
We can do parkour just by saying it
Like I do a double flip off the castle embankment
Unlike Magic, this whole rabbit hole can go wayay down
Till your entire world is freakin Pee Wee’s Play House
Our people at home, when they beg and they plead us
“Do you have to go?” we answer, “Yeah, we must”
It’s true, yes we do eat a lot of pizza--I tell
you, for a group, ‘s’no better way to feed ya
We put away food like an army of people
We keep eating snacks even after we feel full
Could stay up playing all night with a Redbull
But if we get tired, we just stop cause we adults!
Stay right there lemme answer your questions
I’ll clear up all your misconceptions X2
You don’t dress up to play D&D
You don’t dress up to play D&D
You don’t dress up to play D&D
Unless you want to… like me X2
You don’t think we fancy, let me teach you about class
Priest, Fighter, Rogue, Caster’ll kick your ass
You don’t think we street, look at this table full of vice
You don’t think we hard, just touch my dice
You don’t think we can get it, eff the birds and the bees
I’m a palad-in the streets but a thief in the sheets
My character sheets ‘cause they full to the brim
With maxed out stats out to eff with my DM
He thinks he in charge but we don’t worry bout him
‘Cept for when he out to get us, be like “check to swim.”
Master Player, Traitor, Master Creator,
Look at me, Master NPC Generator
Just cuz she’s your master doesn’t mean you has-ta hate her
I got a boy, I don’t need to be no master-LATER
I don’t care if over there your character is dying
Cause it’s just like baseball--there’s no crying!
You wanna join in? Now you start realizing?
We’re the cool cool nerds. Call me Neil deGrasse Tyson (Tyson)
D to the R to the A GON - S
D to the and to the D
The Dungeon Master sets up a scenario
Then he or she asks, where would you like to go
We talk as a group then decide together
There’s no winning, yo, we could play forever!...
Stay right there lemme answer your questions
I’ll clear up all your misconceptions X2
You don’t dress up to play D&D (I wanna play D&D)
You don’t dress up to play D&D
You don’t dress up to play D&D (I wanna play D&D)
Unless you want to… like me X3
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10. |
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The day is finally here
Goodbye seems too small
So I’ll wish you the best, may you conquer your quest
Find happiness and love and most of all
CHORUS:
I hope when you get where you’re going
Though you’re going away from me
I hope when you get where you’re going
You find people who play D&D
You’ve been a great asset to our team
Although your die rolls are sub-par
You always bring snacks, and your jokes make us laugh
And we all know how lucky we are
Don’t even worry about us
Our party was built to survive
We’ll find an inheritor for your character
Or he could epicly die (your choice!)
{CHORUS}
BRIDGE:
How great are the mountains that we climb
The lessons we learn as we roam
Our travels will help us to grow in time
But the table will always be home!
{CHORUS}
You find people who play D&D
You find people who play and love and stream D&D
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11. |
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I used to be someone no one wanted along
Cause my spells went south and my sword felt wrong
In my hands, and I thought I was not meant to be
Here, I should be somewhere else chasing a different destiny
But I was part of the brigade so I swore to myself
That I wouldn’t be just someone they’d have to split their wealth
With, and I buckled down and I murdered some gnomes
And my point is, folks, now, I’m coming into my own…
Yeah!
CHORUS:
I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming!
This is me! And this is me coming!
I’m coming! You might have seen me coming
Into my own. I’m coming into my own! I’m coming into my own
So I traded that sword for a foolhardy whip
Which allowed me to put up with exactly zero shit
And my enemies saw I was raising the bar
But I might’ve taken it... a bit too far
But I apologize to no one, I’ve got something to prove
To make up for the damage that I didn’t do
In those battles when they’d say, you’re drunk, go home
Yeah before I was coming... into my own… Oh!
{CHORUS}
And I will relish in this glory, while I’m feared by enemies and friends
Cause it all could be over so shortly. My success could be my end
And they might still send me home
But for now, I want to come… Into my own
... I’m coming!
This is me! And this is me coming!
I’m coming! You might have seen me coming
Into my own. I’m coming into---
I’m coming! I’m coming really hard
I’m coming, I’m coming really far
I’m coming! Just look at me coming
I’m coming, And I think you are coming, too
We’re coming together
We’re coming! We’re coming forever
We’re coming! You all helped me come…
Into my own. I’m coming into my own!
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Amy Vorpahl Los Angeles, California
Amy Vorpahl is an actor, writer, Dungeon Master and songstress! She has been playing D&D since college, and her music is inspired by her many experiences at the table. Amy has written D&D modules for Official D&D (WOTC), Dungeon in a Box, and you can see her DM-ing various places online or through a window from the bushes outside her gaming friend's house! ... more
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