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Songs in the Key of D&D

by Amy Vorpahl

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1.
I always wished I had a family and now I do! Barky’s Brigade is here for me -- We’re here for you! Now I’ll list the names of folks who make up our crew: It's Donavan, Atuska, Asher, Udo, and me too! Oh Barky’s Brigade! Barky’s Brigade! Arky Barky Flarky Starky Barky’s Brigade
2.
OK guys let’s go shut up come on ok it’s time to start Now who needs a pencil? Everyone? Fine, here you go! You should have leveled up your characters--how come you didn’t? Do you even want to go on this adventure or no? CHORUS: The DM’s lament! The Dungeon Master’s affliction! Resigned to the fate that I’m my friends’ referee And their chaperone and mother! No, I didn’t ask for this! But who else will take care of these adult babies? Are we ready? Not quite yet, come on you guys that dick joke Wasn’t all that funny, no you don’t need. more. pizz----a Don’t look over at my notes, now why are people standing? I don’t think you understand I’ve worked on this for weeks! {CHORUS} The players are the most important part of my games It’s more fun when they go their own way Usually I’m down to roll with the punches But today is not that day (spoken) It’s like… you guys all have each other and I just have The DM’s lament! The Dungeon Master’s affliction! Resigned to the fate that I’m my friends’ referee (spoken) let’s do this You’re at the bottom of the dungeon--where the hell is Randy? I built all the encounters for a party of five No, you cannot roll for sex--is anybody listening? Fuck it, a tarrasque shows up, and everybody dies (spoken) That’s right! You’re dead and you’re dead! You’re all dead! Oh yeah, especially you, Randy. You’re definitely dead! … Roll a level one...
3.
At my job interview, in the waiting room, I see it’s a little bit crowded A bit of a wait, and she calls my name, I go in feeling good about it She smiles and sets my CV aside, Says, “I’d rather hear more about you. Thanks for coming today, nice resume, But besides all this, what do you do?” This is the question I’ve waited to answer, My whole life and today’s the day I take a breath, put my foot on her desk And I say... CHORUS: I kill dragons! I kill dragons! I kill dragons, you don’t believe me; it’s true I slip on my armor, I go out and fight I slay all the monsters, I protect the night I kill dragons! I kill dragons! That’s what I do. Knowing I crushed it--I’m awesome, I must have--I head to the bar for a date He’s cute and he’s nerdy, and I’m feeling flirty, And fashionably late He buys me a beer, and gets right to the point, Says, “I’m looking for someone Whose time I can spend, who can hang with my friends, So what do you do for fun?” Hahaha, I laugh to myself, He has no idea what he’s asked I wink at bae, and tell him to raise... His glass. 'Cause {CHORUS} What do I say when they ask me if this is real Or if this is all in my head? I know this is truer than anything I feel And last time I checked, that dragon was dead! That’s why the people who I am friends with, Are also friends with me There’s never a fight on Saturday night--We agree... Let’s kill dragons! Let’s kill dragons! Let’s kill dragons, until we outrun the sun Let’s slip on our armor, go out and fight Let’s slay all the monsters, Let’s protect the night Let’s kill dragons! Let’s kill dragons! All are welcome! Let’s kill dragons! All of you are welcome!
4.
Hey Mr. Tarrasque, look over there All of my cats kitty-pulted in air Now they’re coming down with their family bond Made stronger by love, to form Cat-Tron CHORUS: It’s the battle of Tarrasque versus Cat-Tron A battle for the ages T-T-Tarrasque versus Cat-Tron They’ll melt your f-ing faces! The Tarrasque stood tall though he soiled his pants And he gave the cultists the death they asked To our Holy Cat-tron, we looked like ants But we all did our part to take down the Tarrasque Donovan, Arqe and Tygur engaged In effective but ill-advised melee Dayl sneak-attacked, Udo rained meteors But what Asher did, we’re all still not sure {CHORUS} Five cats made up its head And eight cats made up its body And four cats made up its sword And two cats made up its tail And one cat made up its anger And the last cat gave her a mighty roar {CHORUS}
5.
I used to be someone no one wanted along Cause my spells went south and my sword felt wrong In my hands, and I thought I was not meant to be Here, I should be somewhere else chasing a different destiny But I was part of the brigade so I swore to myself That I wouldn’t be just someone they’d have to split their wealth With, and I buckled down and I murdered some gnomes And my point is, folks, now, I’m coming into my own… Yeah! CHORUS: I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! This is me! And this is me coming! I’m coming! You might have seen me coming Into my own. I’m coming into my own! I’m coming into my own So I traded that sword for a foolhardy whip Which allowed me to put up with exactly zero shit And my enemies saw I was raising the bar But I might’ve taken it... a bit too far But I apologize to no one, I’ve got something to prove To make up for the damage that I didn’t do In those battles when they’d say, you’re drunk, go home Yeah before I was coming... into my own… Oh! {CHORUS} And I will relish in this glory, while I’m feared by enemies and friends Cause it all could be over so shortly. My success could be my end And they might still send me home But for now, I want to come… Into my own ... I’m coming! This is me! And this is me coming! I’m coming! You might have seen me coming Into my own. I’m coming into--- I’m coming! I’m coming really hard I’m coming, I’m coming really far I’m coming! Just look at me coming I’m coming, And I think you are coming, too We’re coming together We’re coming! We’re coming forever We’re coming! You all helped me come… Into my own. I’m coming into my own!
6.
I love the little way your pock-marks are so not small That my fingers can fit inside them like a bowling ball And I love the little way you mop up your head How can a normal amount of pores produce so much sweat? You’re fascinating me every day There’s no other woman like you, and I love your little ways La la la la la la la la I love the little way I can smell you before you come in Like a turd drove by some corpses, and then stepped in something I love the little way your neck has eaten your chin And how your knees are in danger of disappearing You’re intoxicating me, in every way People turn their heads from you, but I love your little ways La la la la la la la la CHORUS: Some people think you should hide from the light But I think it’s nice, not to be seen As the ugliest person ‘Cause an uglier person, now stands next to me And that’s you. My Fartuuuuuunia. I love the little way your voice comes out your nose And how your body doesn’t fit into clothes I love the little way the drool spreads on your chest And your incessant eye twitch lets me know that I am blessed I love you, My Fartunia, I’ll follow you to the grave Because you make me less heinous, with all your little ways La la la la la la la la {CHORUS} Yeah that’s you. My Fartuuuuuunia. (x2)
7.
Late in the evening, the fire died down I gasped as I woke with a start I found her and the warmth of the last burning embers and told her what troubled my heart. What are the worst of the terrible things? I asked as I crumpled my brow She drew in a long, cold and trembling breath I’ll tell you what she told me now: CHORUS: There are seas that can swallow whole cities, my dear Unnatural cracks in the earth Demons who dress up as men who think Everything’s theirs by birth But those aren’t the worst of the terrible things She said as my eyes went wide No the worst of the terrible things in the world Is watching your character die Your wizard cast lightning while you were still crossing A shallow but treacherous brook You spoke words imprinted upon a stone coffin Without first consulting your book Perhaps you fell into a pit full of spikes Your rogue didn’t find all the traps Or maybe your game master’s taking revenge For when you insulted her maps You won’t see it coming, the pain or the grief There’s no way to plan ahead For when your GM takes your character sheet And says, “I’m sorry you’re dead” Take heed of the worst of the terrible things She said as my eyes went wide For the worst of the terrible things in the world Is watching your character die BRIDGE: You’ll question decisions; you’ll question your life “Should I have played a fighter instead?” What good is pizza? I’m no longer hungry Are thoughts that will enter your head She stared at the fire, the silence engulfed us Until I stood and walked past her And laid down to dream of the gifts I’d bestow Upon my game master {CHORUS} The worst of the terrible things in the world Is watching your character die!
8.
I’m gonna build my own kingdom Since I don’t fit in with yours All my windows will be open Every heart and all the doors I’m gonna build my own kingdom I know you’ll be there when it falls But while I’m building my own kingdom You won’t be there at all I’m gonna build my own kingdom And I’m scared to do it so I’ve got lots of folks around me Ones I love, ones I know I’m gonna build my own kingdom And though it may fall While I’m building my own kingdom I can’t be scared at all No worries, my friends We’ll be together in the end And when the sun comes up each day I know that you aren’t far away I’m gonna build my own kingdom It’ll be bigger than yours Because everyone is welcome We won’t have any doors I’m gonna build my own kingdom I know you would love to see it fall But while I’m building my own kingdom It’ll be just me, and my family And you won’t be there at all
9.
Yo is that a card game, people wanna know They got kids who play pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh Those games don’t cut it, I ain’t trying to be cold But when it comes to fun, that ain’t what I get up fo’ Not gonna let you finish, take a minute, set you straight So the next conversation you sound like you got some brains We ain’t a bunch of losers in a basement, mmk? (mmk) Dungeons and Dragons ‘more a party than a game Stay right there lemme answer your questions I’ll clear up all your misconceptions X2 You don’t dress up to play D&D You don’t dress up to play D&D You don’t dress up to play D&D Unless you want to… like me X2 D to the U to the N geon - S A to the N to the D D to the R to the A GON - S D to the and to the D Magic the Gathering is what you’re thinking of ain’t ya It’s cool but requires too much deck maintenance D&D doesn’t need any extra training We use a little thing called imagination We can do parkour just by saying it Like I do a double flip off the castle embankment Unlike Magic, this whole rabbit hole can go wayay down Till your entire world is freakin Pee Wee’s Play House Our people at home, when they beg and they plead us “Do you have to go?” we answer, “Yeah, we must” It’s true, yes we do eat a lot of pizza--I tell you, for a group, ‘s’no better way to feed ya We put away food like an army of people We keep eating snacks even after we feel full Could stay up playing all night with a Redbull But if we get tired, we just stop cause we adults! Stay right there lemme answer your questions I’ll clear up all your misconceptions X2 You don’t dress up to play D&D You don’t dress up to play D&D You don’t dress up to play D&D Unless you want to… like me X2 You don’t think we fancy, let me teach you about class Priest, Fighter, Rogue, Caster’ll kick your ass You don’t think we street, look at this table full of vice You don’t think we hard, just touch my dice You don’t think we can get it, eff the birds and the bees I’m a palad-in the streets but a thief in the sheets My character sheets ‘cause they full to the brim With maxed out stats out to eff with my DM He thinks he in charge but we don’t worry bout him ‘Cept for when he out to get us, be like “check to swim.” Master Player, Traitor, Master Creator, Look at me, Master NPC Generator Just cuz she’s your master doesn’t mean you has-ta hate her I got a boy, I don’t need to be no master-LATER I don’t care if over there your character is dying Cause it’s just like baseball--there’s no crying! You wanna join in? Now you start realizing? We’re the cool cool nerds. Call me Neil deGrasse Tyson (Tyson) D to the R to the A GON - S D to the and to the D The Dungeon Master sets up a scenario Then he or she asks, where would you like to go We talk as a group then decide together There’s no winning, yo, we could play forever!... Stay right there lemme answer your questions I’ll clear up all your misconceptions X2 You don’t dress up to play D&D (I wanna play D&D) You don’t dress up to play D&D You don’t dress up to play D&D (I wanna play D&D) Unless you want to… like me X3
10.
The day is finally here Goodbye seems too small So I’ll wish you the best, may you conquer your quest Find happiness and love and most of all CHORUS: I hope when you get where you’re going Though you’re going away from me I hope when you get where you’re going You find people who play D&D You’ve been a great asset to our team Although your die rolls are sub-par You always bring snacks, and your jokes make us laugh And we all know how lucky we are Don’t even worry about us Our party was built to survive We’ll find an inheritor for your character Or he could epicly die (your choice!) {CHORUS} BRIDGE: How great are the mountains that we climb The lessons we learn as we roam Our travels will help us to grow in time But the table will always be home! {CHORUS} You find people who play D&D You find people who play and love and stream D&D
11.
I used to be someone no one wanted along Cause my spells went south and my sword felt wrong In my hands, and I thought I was not meant to be Here, I should be somewhere else chasing a different destiny But I was part of the brigade so I swore to myself That I wouldn’t be just someone they’d have to split their wealth With, and I buckled down and I murdered some gnomes And my point is, folks, now, I’m coming into my own… Yeah! CHORUS: I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! This is me! And this is me coming! I’m coming! You might have seen me coming Into my own. I’m coming into my own! I’m coming into my own So I traded that sword for a foolhardy whip Which allowed me to put up with exactly zero shit And my enemies saw I was raising the bar But I might’ve taken it... a bit too far But I apologize to no one, I’ve got something to prove To make up for the damage that I didn’t do In those battles when they’d say, you’re drunk, go home Yeah before I was coming... into my own… Oh! {CHORUS} And I will relish in this glory, while I’m feared by enemies and friends Cause it all could be over so shortly. My success could be my end And they might still send me home But for now, I want to come… Into my own ... I’m coming! This is me! And this is me coming! I’m coming! You might have seen me coming Into my own. I’m coming into--- I’m coming! I’m coming really hard I’m coming, I’m coming really far I’m coming! Just look at me coming I’m coming, And I think you are coming, too We’re coming together We’re coming! We’re coming forever We’re coming! You all helped me come… Into my own. I’m coming into my own!

credits

released March 10, 2017

Amy Vorpahl: Singer, Songwriter
Maxi Morales: Producer, Arranger, Recording/Mixing Engineer, Background Vocals, Guitars
Hernán Ratto: Resonator Guitar

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Amy Vorpahl Los Angeles, California

Amy Vorpahl is an actor, writer, Dungeon Master and songstress! She has been playing D&D since college, and her music is inspired by her many experiences at the table. Amy has written D&D modules for Official D&D (WOTC), Dungeon in a Box, and you can see her DM-ing various places online or through a window from the bushes outside her gaming friend's house! ... more

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