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The Dungeon Master's Lament

from Songs in the Key of D&D by Amy Vorpahl

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I wrote this song way before I had ever been a dungeon master myself. It was based on how we, as players, were treating our DM. He was rightfully frustrated with us for so many reasons, and I thought I'd capture all the complaints a DM might have in a song (I know there are about a hundred thousand reasons I wasn't able to include).

lyrics

OK guys let’s go shut up come on ok it’s time to start
Now who needs a pencil? Everyone? Fine, here you go!
You should have leveled up your characters--how come you didn’t?
Do you even want to go on this adventure or no?

CHORUS:
The DM’s lament! The Dungeon Master’s affliction!
Resigned to the fate that I’m my friends’ referee
And their chaperone and mother! No, I didn’t ask for this!
But who else will take care of these adult babies?

Are we ready? Not quite yet, come on you guys that dick joke
Wasn’t all that funny, no you don’t need. more. pizz----a
Don’t look over at my notes, now why are people standing?
I don’t think you understand I’ve worked on this for weeks!

{CHORUS}

The players are the most important part of my games
It’s more fun when they go their own way
Usually I’m down to roll with the punches
But today is not that day

(spoken) It’s like… you guys all have each other and I just have

The DM’s lament! The Dungeon Master’s affliction!
Resigned to the fate that I’m my friends’ referee

(spoken) let’s do this

You’re at the bottom of the dungeon--where the hell is Randy?
I built all the encounters for a party of five
No, you cannot roll for sex--is anybody listening?
Fuck it, a tarrasque shows up, and everybody dies

(spoken) That’s right! You’re dead and you’re dead! You’re all dead! Oh yeah, especially you, Randy. You’re definitely dead! … Roll a level one...

credits

from Songs in the Key of D&D, released March 10, 2017
Amy Vorpahl: Writer and Lead Vocals
Maxi Morales: Producer, Arranger, Recording/Mixing Engineer, Guitars, Background Vocals
Hernán Ratto: Resonator Guitar

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Amy Vorpahl Los Angeles, California

Amy Vorpahl is an actor, writer, Dungeon Master and songstress! She has been playing D&D since college, and her music is inspired by her many experiences at the table. Amy has written D&D modules for Official D&D (WOTC), Dungeon in a Box, and you can see her DM-ing various places online or through a window from the bushes outside her gaming friend's house! ... more

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